Have you ever decided to use the phrase “I can’t do it” when an obstacle arises in your life? Know that this can have a lot of influence on how you face the obstacles of everyday parenting and even on how you raise your children without even trying.
“I can’t assemble this piece of furniture. I can’t move to a certain place. I can’t cook. I can’t drive. I can’t…”
These are just some of the most common phrases, and there are many adults who frequently use these phrases without even trying. However, “I can’t do it” and “I’m hopeless” or “I don’t want to do it” are phrases with very different meanings and their use should be intentional and applied in the right contexts. Avoid saying these types of phrases in front of children without first testing their meaning. Always believe in the child’s potential and respond with: “Of course you can!” or “I know you can!”
We go through these types of situations all too often and they almost always have the same dynamic. With the child facing an obstacle and the adult insisting on motivating them (depending on their trust), the child will take a step forward. In turn, if you continue to insist on using the phrase “I can’t…”, most of the time the child will remain in a spirit of refusal, which makes these types of situations exhausting for both parties.
We all know that it's not always easy, but we know that there's always a chance. It's always possible to try, even if the result isn't always what you want. It's possible to go to the Moon. It's possible to go to Mars. It's possible to go to Pluto. You just have to want it, work for it and try. Things don't happen by chance, they happen by the simple will to do something.
For example, any person or child can learn to walk by being persistent and insistent and always wanting to achieve something more than just achieving the goal. There is a desire to always want to do more and better. The best example of this are children who have the constant desire to learn something new and to go beyond their capabilities. As we grow, we find ways to deny this ability to constantly evolve and learn.
Let’s suppose that a child says that they cannot overcome a certain challenge and tells us that they are unable to overcome it. We should immediately, as if we cannot understand them, say the opposite (the so-called “yes, of course you can!”). However, the child repeats that they cannot… In this case, we must stop and think. What if they really have difficulty with this task? In this case, we can respond positively without using the word “No” and encourage the child to find an alternative solution to the challenge, such as:
“Okay, John. So what if we both think of a different solution to see if we can overcome the challenge together?”
“Where are you having the most difficulty?”
“João, you’re telling me that you don’t know how to do it, but look, when I was a child I didn’t know how to do that either, and that’s why I learned. I think I’ll be able to help you.”
It is obvious that the tone used in the intervention and the responses given will vary from person to person and depending on the context, but we would like to highlight the principle that is lost between the lines in these types of situations. Only those who do not know learn, and when a child does not know (or says they do not know), a valuable moment arises to measure their learning. The “I can’t” or “I don’t know” becomes the warning sign that the adult has to help the child understand that not knowing is the starting point for learning.
Among the frustrations, difficulties and challenges experienced by adults, one thing is certain: it is in the most genuine “lack of knowledge” that an adult approaches a child. We live in a constant anguish of not wanting to leave our comfort zone or of the fear of taking risks due to insecurity, but it is exactly these situations that awaken our senses to feel with children what it is like to make the complex journey from “not knowing” to “learning”.
