Have you ever decided to use the phrase “I can’t” when an obstacle arises in your life? Know that this can have a great influence on how you face daily obstacles in parenting and even on how you educate your children without even trying.
“I can’t assemble this furniture. I can’t get to a certain place. I can’t cook. I can’t drive. I can’t…”
These are just some of the most common phrases, and many adults frequently use these phrases without even attempting anything. However, “I can’t” and “I’m not good at it” or “I don’t want to do it” are phrases with very different meanings, and their use should be intentional and applied in the right contexts. Avoid saying these types of phrases in front of children as much as possible without first testing their true meaning. Always believe in the child's potential and respond to them: “Of course you can!” or “I know you are capable!”
We go through these types of situations too often, and they almost always have the same dynamic. With the child facing an obstacle and the adult insisting on motivating them (depending on their confidence), the child will take a step forward. In turn, if you continue to insist on using the phrase “I can’t…”, most of the time the child remains with a spirit of refusal, which makes these situations draining for both.
We all know that it’s not always easy, but we know there is always a possibility. It is always possible to try, even if the result is not always the desired one. It is possible to go to the Moon. It is possible to go to Mars. It is possible to go to Pluto. You just have to want it, work for it, and try. Things don't happen by chance, but they happen by the simple will to do.
For example, any person or child can learn to walk by being persistent and insistent and having the will to always achieve something more than just meeting the goal. There is a desire to always want to do more and better. The best example of this is children who have the constant desire to learn something new and go beyond their capabilities. As we grow up, we find ways to deny this ability for constant evolution and learning.
Suppose a child says they cannot overcome a certain challenge and communicates their inability to overcome it. We should immediately, as if we couldn't understand them, state the opposite (the so-called “yes, of course you can!”). However, the child repeats that they can’t… In that case, we have to stop and reflect. What if they really have difficulties with this task? In that case, we can respond positively without using the word “No” and encourage the child to discover an alternative solution to the challenge, such as:
“Okay, John. So what if we both think of a different solution to see if we can overcome the challenge together?”
“Where are you having the most difficulty?”
“John, you are telling me you don’t know how to do it, but look at this: when I was a child, I didn’t know how to do it either, and because of that, I learned. I think I can help you.”
It is obvious that the tone used in the intervention and the answers given will differ from person to person and according to the context, but we take this opportunity to highlight the principle that gets lost in the subtext of these situations. Only those who do not know learn, and when the child does not know (or says they do not know), a precious moment arises to measure their learning. The “I can’t” or “I don’t know” becomes the adult's warning signal to help the child understand that not knowing is the starting point for learning.
Between frustrations, difficulties, and quite a few challenges experienced by adults, one thing is certain: it is in the most genuine “lack of knowledge” that an adult approaches a child. We live in a constant anguish of not wanting to leave our comfort zone or the fear of taking risks due to insecurity, but it is exactly these situations that awaken our senses to feel with the children what it is like to make the complex crossing from “not knowing” to “learning”.
